Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
