oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
