K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize