I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
