I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
