Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
