My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
