So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
