I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize