Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
