taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
