I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
