So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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