sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize