I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
