Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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