Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
