My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
