Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
