Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
