I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
