They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
