i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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