I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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