Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
