Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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