I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
