Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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