The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
