Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
