Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
