Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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