I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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