i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
