; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
