i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
