I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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