I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
