Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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