when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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