It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
