She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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