Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
