you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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