Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
