It was confusing and full of hummus
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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