Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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