why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
