Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
