wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize