Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
