I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
