The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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