you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to align my fucking chakras
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