walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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