I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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