Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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