Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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