he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
