Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
